i know it's hard to get to see me to post long long entries, but my apologies.
it's not a happy one. :/
sorry.

or so, you'd say.
i was feeling bored.
and so i took a venture back into my archives, back into 2006.

-

and as i read through, there were happy times.
there were sad times, there were crazy times.
there were fun times, there were silly times.
there were angry times, there were confused times.

i could not believe that i used to be so .. immature.
i could not believe that i used to be so .. complain-ish.
i could not believe that i used to be so .. open with my thoughts.
i could not believe that i used to be so .. hot-tempered. (OKAY MAYBE I STILL AM-.-)
i could not believe that i used to be so .. lame.
i could not believe that i used to be so .. happy go lucky.
most of all,
i could not believe that i used to be so .. funny, and clingy.

- ;
until i read my archives, i didn't realise that i used to priortize you all so much.
my every post, has your every name, your existance.
everybodyknowsthatweweretogether,asone.
i felt that we were so close last time.
so close to the extent, that i'll miss you all, even on weekends.

do you all remember, we used to do so much stupid things together.
because we were so young and childish then.
we don't discriminate, we don't isolate, we don't ostracize.
we were .. amoral.
all we wanted was just .. fun and company.

and in spite of difficult times, we've spent it all, or so i thought.
you all were there when i was happy.
you all were there when i was sad.
you all were there when i was angry.
you all were there when i was troubled.
you all were there when i was confused.
and ... i really felt fortunate to have you all as my close friends.
REALLY, FORTUNATE.

well, as i read these archives of 2006, it brings back to me bittersweet memories.
sometimes, the things that we've done, sounded so ridiculous that i really laughed so hard.
on the other hand, some of the things seemed so wonderful that i couldn't help but feel bitter instead.
why must good things come to an end?

maybe, the massive amount of lies was just too hard for me to take.

i stopped being lame, i stopped being clingy, maybe .. i stopped being funny.
i started .. closing up.
and to push myself to catch up with your pace, was simply so difficult.
even so, it hurts me when you all told me i did not try, my best.

i stopped believing in this; friends are forever.

all of us growing mature, all of us getting closer.
perhaps made the unpleasant memories go away.
or maybe it was the time, that made the pain fade.
somehow or rather, i sort of "clicked" back into the group.

though i admit, there were really times i felt really happy.
there were also times, i felt, i couldn't fit in, at all.
and sometimes, i can't help but get pissed over the fact that you all made me sound out.
to be like sec 1, so easily agitated and angered, when i'm not.

thinking back, i realised so much things has changed.
perhaps, it was due to keeping things to self kind of behaviour, made you all feel that i don't trust you all.
so whenever i'm feeling down, you all won't know.
but somehow, i can't help but wish that you all were still there for me when i really needed you all.
maybe you all have been there, perhaps i'm just not aware of it.

i felt our friendship was broken, within me.
i could no longer find the happygolucky behaviour in me.
i have no idea how to make you all feel that you all are really important to me.
maybe i shouldn't have existed, at least in your world.
or anyone else's.

i also found out that i have very very low self esteem, despite being a leader.
i feel so inferior when i'm with you all.
till today, we're still together.
but one thing that never changed is that:
i am still very dependent, on you all.
perhaps, my best memories was actually .. you all.

i'm still trying to search back for what was taken away.
but it seems that we've stopped trying to care for one another.
or maybe that was what i thought.

i don't know if i should really let go of our friendship.
or to continue to hold on.
but the harder you try to pull a friendship back.
the further it goes.

so .. i chose to let this out.
because i cherished you all so.
but i don't know why, i keep having a feeling.
to run away, from the truth, from you all, from reality.

we used to be so happy together.
what happened to us now?

so have i changed, .. or have you all changed?

♥Friday, May 15, 2009